Thankful

I can’t express enough thanks
I can’t help but feel sadness
Of course I feel responsible
Of course I feel, I’m not
Left out
Alone
Unwanted
Unloved
I could have been better
Know that I am sorry
Know that I am heartbroken
Know that this is so hard for me
Please go on and be well
Please go on and think kindly
I’m sorry that this is over
I’m sorry our paths our different
I’m not sorry our paths are different

Lately I’ve been feeling so heartbroken as I’ve sensed a friendship has ended. I’ve been feeling that it’s been fading for a while and lately it seems it has faded completely. It’s been plaguing my mind, I can’t sleep some nights, my emotions are greater because I’m pregnant. Even though I feel sad about this, I know that I have so much to be happy about, and I am so happy. My love for Chad, Beau, and this baby grows, day by day it grows, and I love them more every time I look at them. Pregnancy has magnified my feelings, the times I’m upset, I dwell and feel devastated, yet the times where I feel joy, I feel so much happiness.

I keep trying to look on the bright side with this friendship, I keep trying to be glad for all of the good times and remember that “la la how the life goes on”*. I know that that some things must end and it’s perfectly natural. I remember losing friends and gaining new ones in grade school, it was hard then, and it’s still hard now. Mark Twain reminds me, “What is joy without sorrow? What is success without failure? What is a win without a loss? What is health without illness? You have to experience each if you are to appreciate the other. There is always going to be suffering. It’s how you look at your suffering, how you deal with it, that will define you.” I’m trying to look at this situation with love and I’m trying to be glad for all of the good times in the past, things change and that’s okay. How can I be bitter when I’ve had so many good times? It’s normal to be sad but time will heal and I’ll make new friends, I have plenty to be thankful for, I just need to focus on the good right now. In a season of thankfulness, I couldn’t be more thankful, for the happy relationships I have and the happy relationships of my past.

*Ob-la-di Ob-la-da, in one of my classes this semester, we talked about The Beatles White Album so naturally all of the words stay with me. The Beatles were so good together, but when they went their separate ways, they were just as good. Some breakups have to happen.

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