A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss such as a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, or infant loss. We are expecting our rainbow baby next February. We couldn’t be more happy and thankful. The time leading up to this pregnancy has been interesting, there’s been heartache and healing, a roller coaster of emotions, and finally hope and humility. I have learned so much this time and I wanted to share my journey so far. I usually don’t write anything too personal on here, but this time I wanted to share a little more about this topic because it’s important. I hope that I’ll be able to reach at least one person and help them in some small way, whether it’s giving them hope, validating them, or sending good vibes through my words.
When we got pregnant with Beau it happened very quickly, and when we decided to get pregnant the second time we got pregnant within a few months, unfortunately I miscarried that second baby. That was in November of 2014. It was a very difficult time. Miscarriage is a big deal and it took a long time to heal. I healed physically much quicker than I did mentally and emotionally. It’s hard to see other people pregnant and due the same time your baby would have been due and it’s hard to hear those nagging questions of “when are you going to have another one?”. After losing that baby, getting pregnant consumed me and it’s all I wanted. I thought something was wrong with me since we didn’t get pregnant right away.
When I didn’t get pregnant for a while, it was like a roller coaster every cycle. At first I would feel hopeful, another month means another chance to get pregnant. As the cycle continued I would hope that our timing was right and that we would become pregnant. Once my period would come I would be so bummed out, especially if I thought we did everything just right. In retrospect I was probably thinking too hard, many people mentioned that once they stopped worrying about getting pregnant, they got pregnant- which ended up being true for us. Getting my period wasn’t the only bummer every month, it was seeing other people get pregnant. I was so conflicted. Part of me would be so jealous and upset but deep down I knew I was wrong and that I should celebrate for any pregnant mama. I also thought that I was being selfish for wanting another baby since we already had such a sweet boy. In my mind I would go through so many conflicting thoughts and I wish I had someone to talk to about it.
When I got pregnant I was so excited, I still am, but at times I feel worried and need reassurance. Of course I’m worried that something won’t work out this time or that this baby isn’t growing the way it should be. With Beau I was so confident, not worried about the baby, not a worry in the world. With this baby, during our prenatal appointments, I want to skip right to listening to the heartbeat and make sure it’s still in there and that it’s ok. I need that reassurance more than ever this time. I know that I’m pregnant, I can feel the baby move at times but I think once the baby is born I will truly believe it. This pregnancy has humbled me and definitely changed my confidence. I still believe that my body will grow a beautiful baby but now I realize how thankful I should be and my confidence has turned into meekness.
The struggle to get pregnant is real and I am so blessed. My heart goes out to all of the couples trying to conceive, or adopt, or save up enough money for a procedure to get them pregnant. It was so easy to be oblivious to all of these issues when I got pregnant so easily the first two times, but now my heart knows more and I am more aware of the woes many women experience, whether it’s miscarriage, trying to conceive, or feeling less confident about one’s body. My heart goes out to you if you have lost a baby, or are trying to get pregnant. I know it’s hard, but there may be a rainbow baby headed your way <3
Sending all of my love and hope to hopeful mamas, pregnant mamas, and anyone in between!