“Life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face.” George Eliot
I read this quote and I cried. I see that love when my boys first wake up. I feel so lucky to be a mama. I feel so anxious that time is going by so fast. If I dwell too much I feel worried that this stage will pass me by too quickly, but I already know it is. I’ve been so reflective since becoming a mother again. With my first baby I was full of so much love and I expected to feel that same way again with my youngest. This time I feel more pensive and thoughtful, mostly about motherhood and how I fit into this world. “Self-Actualization” at the top of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is where my mind is at; meaning, what is my potential, how can I be my best, how can I achieve things I wish to achieve? Maybe I’m not quite at the top of that pyramid but I’ve definitely been having those thoughts. I wish I could explain all of my thoughts into words. I’ll do my best.
As a mom I keep thinking of my mom and how when I was little I thought she knew it all. Now I know that she did her best just as I am doing my best, most days. I remember thinking she was the absolute best, the funniest, the one who could comfort me the most. I still think she is the best mom for me but I’ve been musing this new perspective of her, that she isn’t perfect, that she maybe doesn’t have all of the answers. She does know this stage that I’m in, but this stage of being a grandmother right now, is all new for her. I can finally see as I look at my boys that this is new for all of us. To Beau, it may seem like I know a lot and that I know what I’m doing (well I know a few things) but really, it’s my first time being a mom just like it’s his first time experiencing the world around him. I know what it’s like to be a little kid, and I know what it’s like to grow up but that’s about it, I only know because it’s what I’ve experienced. Anyway, it’s just cool that we get to grow together and learn so many new things even though we’re in different stages of life.
I’ve also been thinking of other moms in my life currently, my friends, who are experiencing what it’s like to be a mom at this very moment. I’ve noticed that all of the moms I meet have these bits of wisdom that inspire me. It’s usually just a helpful hint or suggestion, something I have never thought of, something that she may not even think is very ground-breaking, or maybe it’s how she handles a certain situation that is so enlightening. Whatever it is, all of us mamas have it. It’s something intangible and if we pay attention, we can learn from each other. Yes, we can learn by expressing our mama feelings to one another and such but we can learn so much more by watching our fellow mothers just be.
On this journey of motherhood, so far, I’ve learned so much. I am like a child, like my children I am learning so much each day. I wish I could slow things down sometimes, tonight I wished for that as I saw Beau laughing at something I said. Someday he might be annoyed with me or not think I’m very funny. It’s ok if he does, I just hope he’ll think back and feel the same way George Eliot did about his mother.